Dying Heart
by balinase2
Summary: yet another daiken. Daisuke is angsting over Ken. Deathfic. Spoilers to the many stuff the character show in (the christmass song, parts from the series, and the movie) R&R please


Dying Heart

I see his face. He's so angelic. Even now, he's somewhat smiling, resting there in peace. And I want to cry, but I can't. I think I haven't gotten it yet. I look at him and remember everything, our moments alone, our heated kisses, our moans, our breaths as they mingle together, our matching heartbeats, his smiles and soothing voice. You can say it has been simply happiness and joy, two soul-mates meet together in a love dance, creating something so great and rare. But... if that's so, then why now? Why did it have to happen now?

I remember the first time I've seen him, back then on the soccer field, my team was losing to his and fast, and I was losing my ability to think or to be sane at the sight of him. He was so beautiful and amazing that it made me freeze on the spot when he ran towards me just to get the ball and score. I was lost in the way his body moved so fluidly and with no mistakes. The wind was ruffling his long blue hair, making him look unnatural, like something from the beyond, not human. When I kicked him in the foot on my way to stop him from scoring another goal, I felt so mad at myself for harming his perfect form, I felt so unease with this that at the end of the game, I felt like I had to go and apologize to him. Damaging his beauty with my damned clumsiness was simply bad, so bad that it felt like a sin.

Even when I discovered that he was the Digimon Kaizer, I didn't want to give up on him. I knew that he was evil but didn't want to believe it. From that moment on, I knew that my mission was to show him the right way, to guide him back to good. I wanted to touch him, to touch his heart, and to be close to him, to be a friend and maybe even more. I kept a façade up that I loved Hikari-chan, but in my heart I always knew who I wanted most, who I loved truly, and I always knew that one day he would change. The others were so hostile to him, but I still was there beside him. When they were all about to fight him, I was still fighting the storm inside me of mixed emotions; to fight for the sake of my friends or to stay out of the line of fire for I didn't want to hurt him?

When he was crumbling in the Digital World into the real good-hearted and kind Ken I always imagined him to be, I wanted to cry for the pain I knew he was feeling at the moment, I wanted to go and hold him tight just to bring him comfort. He felt so lonely and hopeless, and when Wormmon faded, I knew he was becoming more and more like an empty shell of a human, walking aimless in the endless sands of the Digital World. I wanted to run after him but knew I had to give him some time alone.

I remember that when we talked outside the digital world, we both felt something calling out of our chests; we both felt a certain click. It was the most complete feeling I had ever felt until then; but then there was the event that changed my point of view completely, something that was so beyond me. Our Digimon digivolved together into something big and new, and we could hear each other's heartbeats, thrumming together as one. It was the weirdest but most beautiful sensation we have ever felt. We looked at each other and felt so complete with each other. From that moment, I could never stop loving him.

Since then, we got closer and closer and got to know each other better. One night when he was sleeping over my place, we woke up in the middle of the night and started talking. Soon we were confessing our love and kissed for hours until we got too tired and went back to sleep. In the morning, the first thing that I thought about was the talk and the kisses; were they for real or just a figment of my imagination of what I wanted to happen, affecting my dreams? When I looked at him, my questions had been answered. The way his blue eyes opened slowly and focused on me, and the way his mouth curved at the ends into a loving smile, those were all too sweet and soulful that they chased any doubts away from my mind.

Since then, things went on and we were getting much closer. I think that by then everybody knew that we were together, just like Taichi and Yamato. We were so happy together. Once when we were asked to buy the Christmas presents for the party we were all planning together, we bought things and Ken looked so cute, so at some point I just couldn't keep my hands to myself and brought us to a side street and kept talking to him while kissing down his throat and roaming my hand over his back under his cloths. He felt so warm. I will never forget his warmth.

I'll never forget his smile. I remember playing soccer with him; it's the best thing in the world. When he scores a goal, we cheer and hug and simply remind ourselves that he was the best, after all; but when I score a goal, he cheers and lifts me up in the air and kisses me like it's the end of the world (it's pretty hard scoring when Ichijouji is around...). Amazingly, even when he kisses roughly and with so much passion in him, it's still a sweet and gentle kiss, and he tastes so good against my lips and tongue. Such an unforgettable taste. I'll never forget those kisses, special loving soulful kisses.

Yes. This was the happiest time of both our lives. That's why it hurts so much now. Ken... why you? Why? Why now when we were so happy? No. I don't want to blame you. It wasn't your fault; it was that damned drunken driver who didn't see you at the right moment to hit the brakes. I now stare at you in your coffin and can't find the words to say. Ken... come back. I beg you. Please come back to me.

"Dai-kun, stop blaming yourself, and go take a shower." I hear Miyako say to me as she touches my shoulder; but I can't look at her, I can't tear my gaze from your pretty and angelic face. I'm afraid that if I won't look at you for just a second, you'll disappear forever.

"Dai-kun, you were too far from him, you couldn't make it to save him!"

She talks to me and shakes my shoulder to get my notice, but I am lost in those last moments of you. We were running in the street, you were far ahead of me, much quicker than me, as always. At some point, you decided to wait for me to catch up with you, turning around to smile at me, but you didn't see the zigzagging car that was coming fast towards you. As I saw the coming danger, I tried with every power I had to run faster, to save you, but I wasn't fast enough. It was a Hit and Run accident. I saw you flying up in the air and landing few feet away. You were badly wounded and couldn't move. I felt a strong stir in my heart, like some of your pain was transferred to me. You were groaning and crying with pain, and I was crying for your pain too, I could feel it. I called you again and again to stay awake and not die on me, but you were losing blood fast, growing weaker with every second passing. I cry harder, and call out to the people around us to call the ambulance and they tell me that it's on its way, but I have a bad feeling that it won't make it in time. You see me cry and shush me, lifting your wounded hand, although it pains you like hell, to put your long porcelain finger on my mouth, then to caress the side of my face. You are pained to see that you are staining me with your blood. Suddenly, your eyes widen and you tell me that Osamu is there, right by my side, laughing at you, revenging you by causing your death. I tell you it's not true, why would he want to do that to you? Then you breathe your last breath and whisper to me with your voice that I miss so much right now, "Because I'm finally completely happy... Ai shiteru, Daisuke...."

I see your eyes close slowly and I scream. I hold you close to me tightly, screaming your name, calling you to come back to me, not to leave me like this. My tears blur my vision and all I can see is your soft blue hair damped in blood. I scream harder, feeling like my heart was ripped out of my chest and being pulled out through my croaked throat. I lay you back on your back and start breathing you and messaging your heart quickly with a one track mind "Live, Ken... live..." I hear the sirens finally and they take you away. Your words of love in your last breath echo in my mind again and again.

They have been fighting for your life for so long but eventually it's useless. They come out to me with a dark fallen face, and I realize that this is the end. I fall to my knees and burst in a cry like I have never cried before. NO!! you are NOT dead!!! I don't want to believe this!!! They try to calm me down but I just shove them off me. I cry and cry and it's endless. I run to the room where you have laid quietly, and I kiss you, feeling your cold lips against mine; I kiss you until I faint.

So here I am again, looking at your porcelain face in your coffin, sleeping like snow-white, only that now there is no prince to wake you up from the dreamless eternal sleep; there is just me, Motomiya, just a coward with a tear running down his face.

"Daisuke..." I hear Hikari's voice from behind me. But before she could go on speaking, I cut her.

"NO!!! Don't call me that." I snap at her. "I'm no help to anybody. I couldn't save him!"

"That wasn't your fault! Daisu--"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!!"

Hikari backs away, offended by my selfish attack. Takeru collects her to his arms and they walk away, followed by Miyako. Now, I'm all alone in the room with you and the coffin. I look at your peaceful face and want to cry, this needn't happen. I stretch my hand out to touch you once more, caressing your pearly soft skin and rose-buds lips. I touch my own lips and try hard to connect both feelings in my head, like what I feel with the tips of my fingers, which is your cold lips, is what I feel on my lips, which is just the touch of my fingers. I am desperate to feel you again. Open your eyes and breathe again, Ken-chan, I beg you. But you are still and not moving. I collapse to the floor and sit on my four weakening limbs. Ken, I'm not giving up on you... as always... not ever...

I come back home. It's chilly. The house is quiet and misty; even the light that has broken through the veils and into the house, is so dim and sad. It's like everyone knows about your death, and is so very sad about it. I hug my small body and it hurts. It hurts because I recall all the times when the house was cold and you were the one who hugged me to keep me warm. Oh Ken... I won't survive this any longer... I won't be able to go through this... I'm too weak without you... How can this be? Such a contrast... from total happiness when you are around me to endless pain and sadness and despair of losing you. I look up and cry again and an idea pops to my head. Without thinking, I go to the kitchen and take a bottle of sleeping pills and a small bottle of water. I go to my room and wear the nicest cloths I have, the ones you have always loved when I wore them. And with those I walk out on my way back to you.

I stare at your calm expression; even now it looks like you are smiling. I manage a smile and tell myself that soon we'll be together again. I fish out of my pockets the sleeping pills and the bottle of water, and gulp down as much pills as I can. I open the coffin a little, just enough for me to slip in and lay beside you. I kiss you and position myself under your arm with one of my arms hugging you tightly close to my body. Images of our friends and families go through my mind and I feel a twinge in my heart for the pain I will cause them by making this horror even bigger by a double death of two loved ones, like in Romeo and Juliet. But they should be happy for us, for we never parted. I look at you again and your image blurs and fades into little spots of color. My body feels heavier now and I know I'm dying. Ken-chan! Wait for me... the last images and voices I hear are our voices and the images of the streets we used to run together in as I call out to you to wait for me. I smile. Ken, I love you.


End file.
